It is now nearly a year since I have been planning my wedding to my partner of nearly two years, rather than the less than joyous moments one may expect to encounter along the way, i can honestly say not one part of planning this wedding has been easy, simple or stress free. I am actually quite astonished by the lack of support and general obnoxious behavior by pretty much everyone i have encountered: Real life and in the realm of t’internet.
This time nearly a year ago there were four bridesmaids…fast forward to now…and not one of the bridesmaids that will be there on the day is one of the original 4!? It all seems so bloomin’ incredulous to me! After a while you actually start to question yourself… Is it me? Am i a nasty person? Does everyone hate me? What have i done to deserve this? (all rhetorical no-one answer please :-p)
After you kinda start to feel that there couldn’t possibly be any more bitching to be done…even more is thrown your way…and after moan, after bitch, after sly malicious comments, it really starts to wear you down. I left school believing all the bullying and hostile behavior i encountered would be long gone..how mistaken was i eh!
Due to my childhood dream of wanting to walk down the aisle i am getting married in a church, as a result my partner and i have had to attend church practically every week since last September. At first, my attendance was reluctant; i have to admit, i dreaded the preaching and i dreaded the ‘we all love you’ attitude adopted by all in the parish.. however…now almost 9 months later…i am SO thankful for the church you wouldn’t believe it. It is the only place i feel i can go and not be judged, laughed at, bullied or bitched about; I don’t even feel that in my own home recently. It is bloody refreshing to go somewhere and have people be nice to you and pleasant for no other reason than because they want to. Why can’t the ‘outside’ world take on the same approach, the world would be a happier place to be!
People in my life recently are commenting that i seem quiet and not myself, and are asking me why. I would love to scream from the roof tops that it’s because i feel that i can’t say anything to anyone without having a nasty comment retorted back, or for it to turn into a row, or that i feel if i keep quiet and keep all my thoughts and problems to myself, no one can laugh at me, tell me i’m wrong or smirk at me.. i should never have to feel like that…but in every aspect of my life i feel like that right now…i hate that i feel that i can’t be me and be accepted for it…i don’t feel like i can make a simple comment and it be taken at face value, instead everything and anything is read in to it..i don’t feel like i can be open and honest to anyone, sometimes not even myself..and everything about everything totally sucks right now.
So to all those that feel the need to laugh at me, make cruel jokes, (ie..i’m more of a man than my partner is?! Er..you’ve never met me so how on earth would you know!?) try and pass off words as a ‘joke’ when they know full well i shall take offense, talk about me behind my back….well… congratulations…you’ve worn me down…you’ve won.
) Still have 9lb to go and a lot of toning but hey.
